The Best of the Worst: A Quarter Century of Music

The new year, for some of us it starts on January first, for students it begins in the fall with school, and for others, it begins on the day you get a little older and a little less wise. My year is marked by a Catholic, Pagan, Communist holiday, May First, the day I was born. To commemorate the passing of a quarter of a century under my belt, I have chosen to provide you all with a little list of infamy. My list is about music that has struck a very out of tune chord within me, videos whose sole purpose is to make those watching them slightly uncomfortable yet utterly fascinated, and performance that walks the line between naive camp and sophisticated farce. The list starts here:

5. Fuck My Heart
This song wins for the over all best/worst lyrics ever written. Had it not been for the musical integrator, Grey Day and a little tip off by yours truly, this amazing rendition of one suicide girl's personal diary entry/song lyrics would have gone virtually un-noticed. I think some of the the most poignant lyrics are: "Fuck my heart. Fuck it apart with reality and truth" and "This garden is like a molested cunt in winter". The song Fuck My Heart smells like it sounds, Juicy.

4. America We Stand As One
This song is really bad, it's especially bad because it is utterly honest. I mean, its not one of those jokey things like the last song, oh no, it is ridiculously earnest, in fact the artist has a website devoted to the cause. And the cause is America We Stand As One. I think this may have been some kind of September 11th inspired patriotic crap, but in the best worst way. The America We Stand As One video features Dennis Madalone in all his patricotic glory. There are beaches turned to American flags, firemen holding American flags and children, lots of children and angels.

3. Crackpot
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse... Here comes Crackpot. This song is amazingly bad, and wonderfully current featured on this Toronto recording studio website as an example of their "Killer" recording. It reminds me of The Modern Lovers on crack (hence crackpot). Crackpot's website is a nightmare to navigate, and really ugly, kind of inline with the music. One of my favorite lines is: "Everything you say is wonderful. That is why you are so fuckable (not that I'd want to but...)" Yea, you get the picture.

2. I Wanna Love You Tender
See the picture above of all the smiling Finnish people with D&A shirts? That is a still from I Wanna Love You Tender. This video was released 1978 is by some obscure Finnish band, Danny and Armi, the video is bad in the best way. I am totally certain that the dancers in the video are giving it their all, and they make the video what it is: RAD! The casual and often off beat dancers, in matching white sweaters with D&A and Burgundy bell bottoms, rival any high school dance team. They use some crazy peel off lines that reveal the disco singers Danny and Armi (who later ride off into space in a 1950s car). I think that since the video was made Armi has died, but Danny is still doing music according to his website. he has some upcoming shows... in Finland.

1. Apache Boy
By far, the best worst video is Apache Boy. This video is not a joke, not at all. It features a goober singer in tribal tassels and three dancing "native girls" who are really some kind of bad white jazz dancers in halter tops. The drummer is straight out of Spinal Tap performing in front of a mini tipi that could maybe hold a small dog. Surprisingly, however, the song is really catchy- actually it was originally a Ventures song. Rock out to this #1 best-worst hit!